I write these every year for the purpose of documenting my life. The caveat is that this is written with some recency bias and that the act of recollection is always faulty:
ran my first and only 10km
I had a list of aspirations for 2023, which I have almost totally forgotten about. But I remembered that the only thing that I really wanted to do was run my first 10km, and thankfully I was prescient enough to make a serious push for it, and I completed the goal on the 14th of march this year.
caught covid for the first time
Shortly after my 10km run I went to hanoi, and I either caught covid there, on the way back or the few days after. It was a very unpleasant experience – definitely wouldn’t call it mild, and I lost a lot of my fitness. Till date my cardiac biometrics have not recovered to my pre-covid state, and I am not sure if it ever will. I still get bouts of dysautonomia at times. I am just grateful I am still able to write, and I resumed running 3-4 months later. I would rather not have stopped though.
travels and risk calculus
I thought I would lose my appetite for travelling after probably catching covid in hanoi, but I reckoned apart from the flight itself being overseas is not more risky than being here since we do not have mask mandates anymore in singapore anymore. So for my partner’s birthday we travelled to penang since it was just a short one hour flight away, resolving not to take off our n95 masks at all on the flight, even to drink water.
My risk calculus has also changed because I started getting seriously depressed, and I started to wonder what is the point of living life like a hermit trying to protect my health if I was starting to lose my will to live? I was also worried that non-covid related life-changing events may happen, and I am no longer optimistic about the world’s stability or progress. I may have my health intact if I stay at home 100%, but the world may continue to suffer dramatic changes – wars, climate change, food security issues, new pathogens, etc. One fine day, we may lose the ability to travel even if covid no longer exists. Covid is not the only thing that threatens the stability and open borders of this world, and the survival of my world. My loved ones or my self could suffer a terminal illness, etc.
So yes we are going to take all the precautions we can, but we’re not going to live life totally home bound, at least for now. We both wanted to knock off some bucket-list items just in case the world changes again. Hence, we travelled to seoul and japan, both places we have been before individually but not since we had met. For both trips on the flight we wore the 3m aura n95 masks with sip masks installed, we didn’t take them off apart for immigration purposes. We also avoided indoor dining. Both trips were completed safely, but I wouldn’t bet my life on it. I know I am playing the roulette, but the odds are close to being out and about in singapore anyway.
Travelling revived my spirit. Before the pandemic I took my travel experiences for granted, now every trip is experienced with heightened awareness and longing, as though each may be our last trip.
finally started drawing
Because of covid there were things that were part of my regular routine that I couldn’t do, so I had to start doing new things to fill up my time while in recovery. I decided to pick up drawing, something I had wanted to do for decades but never had the belief, time, space, energy, patience, stillness to do so. I believe running regularly has cultivated my capacity for monotony, and that sort of tolerance for monotony is necessary for the stillness required to sit down and draw.
Drawing is still not something I actively or consciously enjoy, but it is a meditative experience, and the outcomes are satisfying no matter how ugly or deviated they may be. It is difficult for me to start, so I am trying to make it a regular practice versus waiting for my self to desire drawing. I see it not just as a creative endeavour but as an exercise for my brain, hand-eye coordination, and my capacity to tolerate discomfort.
finally started strength-training
This was another thing I wanted to do for years but just didn’t have the courage or will. But I finally had my first ever training session sometime in end october. Because of travelling I haven’t had the chance to build up some cadence, but I am starting to get back to it again. Hopefully I’ll get to experience some differences.
change in carb intake
For most of last year I was on a low carb diet, but with the depressing state of the world I started eating more carbs. Previously I had plenty of motivation to protect my health, but these days I keep feeling like I am not sure when life as I know it is going to end, so I wanted to allow myself to have one of the few remaining pleasures I can have in life. It is being mitigated by a lot of activity and almost-daily intermittent fasting. I still check my blood glucose levels at least 5x a day most days so I try to keep it within a wider acceptable range. This is part of me learning to be more flexible.
less migraines
My chronic migraines seem to have improved dramatically this year. Eating too much carbs used to trigger migraines for me immediately, but now I am able to tolerate quite a bit with no development of symptoms. I am not sure if it is the regular visits to the traditional chinese physician – I have been seeing her for 1.5 years so far – or the improved fitness or both. I am also more mindful with avoiding inflammatory foods like PUFAs as much as possible so that could contribute too.
Thankfully, covid did not worsen my migraines. For now.
got certified as a bike technician
I started having a deep interest in fixing bikes during the start of the pandemic, registered for a class in 2021, but postponed it several times to due covid waves. I finally completed it jan of this year.
Unfortunately this is something that requires a ton of practice, so I wouldn’t be fixing any bikes soon. But I did manage to solve a couple of persistent issues my bicycles were having, so that was very satisfying. I also learnt that tuning gears are not as complicated as I thought they were. However building and fixing bicycles really requires strength – there are some manoeuvres that need sheer brute force. I guess taking the class really drove in the point that I need to be physically stronger.
I really like picking up extra skills I never thought I would have.
pandemic-influenced psyche
Pandemic fatigue has really gotten to me this year. My chronic depression noticeably worsened post-getting-covid and I am not sure if part of it is neurological since the virus damages our brains, or from the feelings from the hopelessness of it all.
I haven’t had a meal with my family or friends since Omicron. I call myself anti-social, but it would be nice to have coffee with a good friend (if I still have any) once in a while.
I resent that I have to keep choosing between my physical health and psychological health. But not being able to exercise really impacted my psychological health anyway, so either way I am fucked. I also resent that I have to be constantly vigilant.
The dissonance has also been messing with my mind – that my level of cautiousness is backed up by the increasing research, but almost everyone else believes the virus is “mild” because of the public messaging versus the actual science.
I don’t see things changing much the next year. A truly sterilising vaccine would be a game changer, but if there are any significant developments that could be in effect next year we would know it by now.
Reading Station Eleven made me feel thankful for everything I still have, but I can be thankful and resentful at the same time.
I tell myself people have lived through worse, but I also resent that this is a world that needles you into being grateful by comparison with the less fortunate.
read 52 books
I was reading so many books in the first half of the year that I was very certain that I was going to exceed my reading goal of 52 books by a long stretch. Somehow other parts of life just happened and probably coupled with some depression I started reading a lot less in the second half, but still managed to complete my goal to read at least one book a week on average. I know some people think we shouldn’t set goals for an activity like reading but I am the sort of person who needs this sort of challenge to actually remember to do the things I want to do.
I would share a list of my favourite books but I honestly cannot remember much of them. I guess I should put more effort in writing short reviews of books right after I read them. I also didn’t feel like I’ve read any non-fiction book that radically changed the way I saw the world.
wrote 63 posts
I strive to write at least 52 posts each year, so 62 is definitely satisfying, though most of it is probably published while I attempted to travel blog in japan.
significant posts
- to be my self is to be lonely
- where i can take off my mask
- thoughts on the suicidal mind
- my mind, the invisible loudspeaker
- daring to be ugly
celebrated 7 years of being together
My partner made me a handbound booklet to celebrate 7 years together, and I responded by writing a post about it.
In total we’ve celebrated 91 months this year.
5.8 million steps walked
…versus 4.2 million steps in 2022. Despite the time I took off exercise because of covid I still managed to have my most active year so far:
619km ran
versus 201.72km last year. Would have been dramatically different if covid did not derail my progress, but at this point I am just glad to be running again.
took a ton of photos
…but probably not as many as I would have liked. Again I have to blame it partially on covid, which took the already-faint budding creative spirit out of me.
Maybe it is a recency bias, but this would have to be my favourite photo due to the lucky timing of it:
I have to share my favourite portrait of my partner too:
I guess I just like exuberance because I have none.
other notable mentions
- started using obsidian, and I am still using it regularly till now
- joined an online covid-cautious group in Singapore
- got tested for adhd
- journalling streaks: 1369 days of bullet journalling & 811 days of morning pages
- 12 movies logged on letterboxd – mostly korean films. The first movie was only logged in april
website updates
- migrated this website from digitalocean to opalstack
- made custom tag pages for this website
- created playlists
overall sentiment
Though through this post it does seem like a lot of positive things happened objectively, but 2023 is a year of difficult emotions for me. I had to do a lot of letting go, a lot of accepting that there will be inevitable loss and grief. I just see it as the inherent nature of life. Nobody ever promised that life will be kind, in fact historically speaking life has never been kind, but we’ve somehow been conditioned by the relative peace of the last few decades to believe so.
Accepting that life can be cruel and random makes the actual living for me easier – it changes the baseline of what I expect and hope out of it. Is this a psychological trick or is this my most objective view of reality? I cannot discern. But I have learnt that in life it doesn’t matter what is the objective reality, we just have to live with a reality that makes life bearable.
I do truly have to be very thankful I am lucky enough to have a partner who has been steadfastly here with me throughout all the covid trauma, deep depression, and attempts – failed or successful – to come alive again and again. I am not very attached to most parts of life, but her love is what that keeps me alive, and as much as I would hate to admit it, it is life and the existence of human beings that makes this love possible.