today was supposed to be a day of celebration as we mark 8 years together. but unfortunately i lost a friend of 18 years to cancer yesterday, so we had to attend a wake together. it is during such an event that the full meaning of what it is like to have a partner of 8 years by my side as i process my grief, regret, confusion. the past month has been difficult for us in other ways as we had to negotiate the different ways we communicate and express our hurt. people may think relationships may get easier once we reach a certain threshold but for us it doesn’t. because we are continually changing individually, transforming according to all the different events and stresses of life as we age. things that were easy may not feel easy anymore, things that may not hurt may start hurting, we may become more sensitive to certain triggers, for me the accumulative effect of all the sadness in my life has been hard to endure. and now once again i am marked by death, and i am not naive enough to believe i will escape unscathed. i will again change as a person: will i open up more or become more enclosed? i don’t know. all i know is that to have a loving relationship for 8 years seems like a genuine miracle, especially because we both do not like relating. death has again taught me the harsh lesson of time and impermanence, so while i don’t know the future and don’t know how we will both change, i only know to hold on tightly to her hand for as long as possible. it is just so difficult, to have a hand to hold.