9 years together

To me, being in a relationship is like choosing to engage in a continuous power battle. I know it sounds unromantic but age has taught me that the way to truly sustain a relationship is to acknowledge the darker aspects first. This way it allows for a truly honest engagement between us, and it creates a space where we can be truly our selves with each other. I have learnt that sacrifice in a relationship can be toxic, and consciously participating in a mutual exchange can be healthier. We know what we’re exchanging, what we’re benefiting, and what we are giving up — for each other. A romantic relationship is still like any relationship: it has an invisible ledger, it is equally subject to deterioration if not carefully managed, and it is foolish to pretend otherwise.

It is with these considerations that I am celebrating our 9 years together. Love is an abstract word and concept. Anyone can say they love, but what does that truly mean? It is a miracle to me that we can successfully navigate 9 years together despite our stark differences in our personalities. If I say the reason that we are able to last till today is because of love, to me that is massively discounting the effort we have both put in to be together. Yet I do acknowledge the luck of meeting someone whose company we genuinely enjoy being in. I don’t know how we can both change radically as individuals throughout these 9 years and yet we still like each other.

Because of our fortunate and unusual circumstances for most of our relationship we spend almost all of our waking hours in each others’ company. We are hardly apart, so perhaps we’ve been together for 18 years relative to other people’s typical relationships. That makes it more incredible that we are able to tolerate each other for this long. It hasn’t been easy because in different ways we both have strong personalities and we both have an intense need for space to create and develop. To be honest, I am not sure how we’ve managed it.

But she is the only person in this world to see me, perhaps more than I am capable of seeing myself. She would probably say the same. What insane luck is this, to be able to meet such a person?

We have spent 5 out of the 9 years together in a pandemic. I have read of many couples who have to split up because of their different levels of precautions. Or they could be on the same page initially, and diverged as the pandemic wore on. Yet we managed to have the same beliefs and philosophy when it comes to our health. I don’t take this for granted just because we are a couple. I know of several covid cautious people whose partners don’t give a shit if they bring home a potentially disabling virus to their partner, even if the partner is immunocompromised.

For us the most important thing in our lives is to sustain a creative practice, and we are aware that creativity requires optimal health and cognizance. We are both people who don’t require a social life and are pretty immune to social pressure, so we feel incredibly lucky that we can be covid cautious together.

Maybe it is weird to devote a few paragraphs of text to our covid-cautiousness as a couple, but it has a very tangible impact on us in our daily lives and decisions. We both have to endure the hyper-vigilance and stress that comes with it, as well as the social judgement and jibes. It could affect our relationship negatively, so I truly appreciate we are united on this. I can count on her to do the risk calculus when we encounter different environments, because she is more cautious and rational than me. I tend to be swayed by the allure of delicious food, sadly.

Here is a nine-year photo retrospective of us. I think it has been an incredible journey to accumulate 9 years of various experiences together. Half or more of these 9 years I was actually pretty sick, and I of all people know it is not easy to be with a chronically ill person. Yet she has been there, witnessing, acknowledging, and nurturing. She has seen me through all those days of unyielding pain and vomitting. My inability to regulate myself. The darkness that hovers around me perpetually.

People may think that photos are easy and cheap these days, but to me the opportunities to take photos are precious. Because we don’t know when we will lose the ability to stand casually and pose for one, or if the environment will still stay safe enough, or if we can even be alive to do so. To be alive for these entire 9 years, to still want to take these photos, to be able to somewhat see how time has passed for us — I hope I’ll never take this for granted.