The people who brought me up have a sweet tooth, so I was allowed to snack on unregulated amounts of chocolate, sweets, chips and carbonated drinks whenever I wanted. I used to drink zero plain water, and would only drink sweetened drinks. I still have elderly in my family and extended family who are surviving into their old age with zero plain water. As a growing teenager I started to drink unregulated amounts of caffeine. Thankfully alcohol was unpleasant so I couldn’t develop an alcohol addiction. I also developed a bad habit of sleeping really late. During the school holidays it was “normal” for me to sleep at 3 or 4am. When I got my first computer I started sleeping late even during school days, so I was perpetually sleep deprived.
By the time I was in my 20s I developed chronic migraines and insomnia. I struggled for a few years trying to manage those symptoms and being a freelance designer. Back then I wasn’t very aware of my sensory and self-regulation issues, so the stress of being a freelance designer affected me deeply. There was also stress from my personal life, so everything compounded and I seriously contemplated my life.
I went to SF on a whim in 2011. My chronic insomnia, which I had struggled with for years, went away magically. I had a chance to move there so I did. I worked very hard and had to jump through quite a number of hoops to move, so I became a lot more zealous about my health in order not to let it affect my career and life there. The beginnings of my health journey started then. It was in SF that I started to maintain sleep hygiene for the first time ever in my life, it was also in SF that I attempted to go to the gym regularly, it was also in SF I had my first run, first long walks, first hikes, first salads, first bicycle, first blender, etc.
Sadly I am not sure whether it was due to age, stress or a virus – may be all of the above – my chronic migraines returned with a vengance as I turned 34. I also developed chronic dry eyes, which resulted in a lot of pain. So I had to move back to singapore.
I was in terrible, chronic pain for the next eight long years. In those eight long years I lived with a lot of fear and apprehension, because I didn’t know what specifically triggered my migraines and when would they happen. For a long time they happened every day. Imagine building my entire identity over being a good-enough designer, and then losing my capacity to look at any screen. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. It felt really bleak. I questioned what sort of quality of life would I get when I was in pain most of the time, unable to do the things that used to give me some meaning in life.
Now, I see that entire experience as a major turning point in my life. It was a very isolating experience because it is a mostly invisible illness. Nobody took my pain and suffering seriously except my partner. I still have cptsd over it. It is not just the actual physical pain of the illness, but the psychological and social pain of it. Hence I am over people.
There are no words I can use to describe the experience. All I can say is that an experience like this is very clarifying, at least for me. Everything falls apart without health. There cannot be hopes and dreams for someone like me. Any day that can be experienced without pain feels like a bonus for me.
Health is something that recedes in the background for most people. It is something that is very prominent and loud for me. My entire focus – apart from my partner – is on my health. It is now something I can say that I enjoy, because I cannot forget what it is like without it.
That is why I go to sleep every day without fail by 10pm. I don’t ever stay up late anymore unless it is because of logistical reasons like a flight. I hardly snack between meals, eat my last meal by 5pm, and now I have stopped eating deep-fried food. I love tonkatsus too, I am only human. There is so much I love that I have stopped eating. Once in a while we would pass by a supermarket aisle and I would wistfully tell my partner which were my favourite snacks and how much I miss eating them. I miss foods like instant noodles.
But in return I stopped having weird symptoms, I get to enjoy the pleasure of being able to run further and further, and it never fails to surprise me when I am able to lift what used to feel so impossible in previous sessions. I also fall asleep like a log now on most nights.
I used to be so afraid of even walking out for just 30 minutes because just doing that would trigger incredible exhaustion which would inevitably lead to migraines. On hindsight I probably had some form of mitochondria dysfunction. I used to have to frequently say no to my partner when she suggested plans because I was so afraid of falling ill. I was just telling my partner yesterday that just a few years ago a short visit to a common friend was enough to trigger a multi-day terrible migraine.
Now I am able to endure so much more. So I say no to eating pringles and say yes to improving my physical capacity for stress. Every time I think about eating tonkatsu I think about how it is going to kill my poor mitochondria. I put up with the social and physical discomfort of wearing a mask because I can’t imagine giving a free-pass to a virus – any virus – running rampant within my body, especially now I know many viruses that were thought to be mild, are now proven to cause dire systemic health effects.
Thanks to my poor health I am now fitter than I ever was. If I can go back in time I would tell my 10 year old self to sleep and eat properly, but it is not like she would actually listen to me. I do think that people who have taken reasonably good care of their body from young would probably have a much better baseline than me, unfortunately the health of our parents matter quite a bit too. But I’ll take what I can get at this point.
This has caused a wide chasm between me and most of this world. It is just very difficult to relate both ways. People cannot relate to what it is like to be disabled for years, and I cannot relate to what it feels like to have unbridled confidence in my health. I know health is fragile, and health is gold. It makes me unable to live like a typical person, in exchange for that provoking clarity of my priorities. Just like in zen they teach us to be aware of the entirety of a moment, I have become aware of the miracle that is homeostasis, and it is such a gift to be able to cherish it.