Most skills if not all requires practice. Recently I realised to be capable of the discipline and regularity that practicing needs, is a practicable skill too. We think of discipline as some inherent character trait, and I do think there is some merit to the idea that some brains are simply neurologically wired to favour the sort of temperament discipline requires, but based on the fact that our brains are plastic I believe it is possible to nudge them in one direction or the other. Maybe more things would make sense if we think of it as our body upregulating our hormones and neurotransmitters when they are constantly in use, and downregulating them when they are not. So in general, use it or we’ll lose it, and as with almost everything, overuse tends to be a problem.
I’ve always had problems trying to get myself to do anything. I was always the kid who would do homework at the very last minute, the morning it was due. I couldn’t understand why I had to put myself through that sort of anxiety and fear when I could simply do it earlier. I just believed I was inherently lazy, like everyone else told me. Sometimes I just couldn’t do it and it seemed that I was unafraid to be punished – teachers were scary back then – but the truth is I was always terrified but I just couldn’t make myself do it.
Only now upon reading tons of other people’s experiences that I know this is a adhd symptom.
If adhd is a spectrum I probably fall into the milder side of it. Mild enough to not be so obvious that my family would notice it enough to bring me to a psychiatrist (which would have been useless anyway because those days they were simply unequipped), but somehow it has a pervasive impact on my life. Coupled that with depression I was just a walking mess for at least half of my life. I was probably self-medicating with a ton of coffee and food, and probably alcohol too if I wasn’t allergic to it.
When I started working the fear of disappointing people and facing potential abandonment/rejection was great, so I mostly managed to meet my deadlines. Still, I would only complete my work at the very last minute. Again unknown to me I was causing myself a lot of stress because this would simply occur regularly: trying to goad myself into doing something because there is a deadline, and my body would refuse to do anything until the fear caused enough adrenaline to surge (this did get better as I got older because I got better at coercing myself but it probably was the reason why I am always fatigued and burnt out).
The only other way to get myself to do anything is a deep sense of curiosity or excitement, which would also cause adrenaline surges but without the fear. As we know a large part of life is simply not that interesting or exciting, so I lived with a lot of dread and fear.
With hindsight, it wasn’t at all surprising that I would develop a chronic illness at 35. We can’t keep shocking ourselves with stress hormones without consequences, and then keep drinking caffeine to mitigate the fatigue that is an inevitable outcome from all that adrenaline. Then, the fear of being sicker was what that propelled me to have that discipline to exercise, eat better, have better sleep hygiene, etc.
This is my relationship with the concept of discipline.
Now, I have issues trying to do anything at all because the thought of making myself do something is associated with all that dread, fear and fatigue. But if I can push through some invisible threshold I may end up being obsessed with the thing I am trying to do, like running. It doesn’t take any discipline for me to run these days because I simply crave it.
I started to wonder if I could practice being good at practicing. A psychological muscle that can be made stronger with increased usage. I catch glimpses of it: during times when somehow I could gather some momentum to do something daily around the same time, it seems easier to maintain a practice, like my drawing. There are practices in my life that are already deeply ingrained, like my daily morning pages and weekly writing. Sometimes I read old entries of my journal and it surprises that not too long ago I used to read reddit once I woke up. I cannot fathom that now.
But now as I contemplate developing a new practice it just seems too difficult and unattainable, forgetting that I have been successful before. I wonder if it is about acquiring enough subconscious knowledge that I have done this before and it works, so the next time I start a new practice it wouldn’t seem so daunting.
It is not just about the regularity of a practice that makes it successful. I think less people talk about this, but knowing how to pace oneself and break down something challenging into consumable pieces is also a skill. So the act of practicing also involves knowing when to start, when to end, and how much to do. Then there is also the skill of knowing how to scaffold: how to conquer the easier parts to get positive reinforcement before delving into the challenging parts. Too difficult, we’d burn out or give up.
I guess that is why most people take classes to learn something. The class solves the problem of showing up and regularity, and the instructor is supposed to do the pacing and scaffolding for us. But that also means in a class we’re limited to that particular structure, and it can also diminish the joy of learning because there is something joyful about naturally following where our curiousity, intuition and natural progress leads.
I am still very bad at maintaining a practice – on top of all the accumulated trauma and fatigue involved, there is also the deeply ingrained behavioural loops of a 42-year old. I am very set in some of my ways, and everything feels like a tall wall to climb. I wish I can approach things like the innocence of a kid.
But with every learning curve there will always be this phase where everything seems impossible, and most of the time all we needed to do is just to tolerate the discomfort until we break that invisible threshold. I think some people are just very good at that positive reinforcing self-talk in the head, whereas mine is just either a wet-blanket or tired or both.
I feel like if I get better at the skill of practicing, it will be very life-changing. It is not only about picking up skills like drawing or playing the piano, but also skills like maintaining equanimity in turbulent times. Being able to sort my thoughts out analytically is also a skill, regulating my emotions is also a skill. So much in life is a practice – living in itself is one.
Maybe it is time for me to incorporate a schedule into my life again. I have always been the sort of the person who believes in being free, whatever that means, and that includes being able to use time freely, to do things when I wish to and not out of enforcement. I’ve been so trapped in schedules all my life that I dread them. But the rational part of me knows that it is simply just easier to do things when it is time to do them, instead of relying on something so ephemeral like desire and motivation. Sunday is my writing day, so I write. Every day I write my morning pages after I wake up, and I exercise right after I finish my morning pages. There is no hesitation, no guess work, no do I feel like doing this?
I am not sure if it’ll work or backfire, or if I’ll even implement it. But it is the most rudimentary way to get a practice started I guess. I can only work with what I know. There is so much I hope to do, but I just cannot seem to overcome all the psychological blocks I have within myself. A schedule only works if I adhere to it. That would require practicing another psychological muscle. There’s no harm to trying?
I very much wish I can be like my partner. She does things because she loves doing them – she doesn’t need a schedule. Her problem is knowing when to rest. But I think there’s just too much psychological baggage in me to be like her – with the exceptions of times when I have hyperfocus on things that can truly engage my brain’s reward systems, but they are rare.
I have to practice changing my mindset too, to do things not only because I enjoy them since I am quite incapable of enjoyment most of the time, but to do things because they enrich me in a multitude of ways.
It all feels so out of reach, but I remind myself once again that I was once a person who wouldn’t even run 50m, and now I have to stop myself from running 5km every day.