My interest in playing board games got reignited after watching some korean tv puzzle shows. After few days of playing board games my partner was reminded that life is like playing a game (or rather games are designed to be based on life): most of us have some particular outcome we want out of life – we gather different resources, gain experience points, and set certain priorities, in order to work towards the outcome we want.
The problem is many of us are conditioned to work towards outcomes that are societally approved, like higher social status (money is often a vehicle for status). We could live through an entire lifetime without questioning if the outcome we are working towards is something we truly want, or if it is just an ingrained conditioning. Some of us are stuck in resource-gathering mode without even contemplating what is the outcome we want out of hoarding resources, because again the conditions are set up such that for most people resources are scarce. Even when we no longer need those resources, we still hoard them. I find myself doing that even when playing a game because I am taught early on that resources matter a lot. Sometimes I get too hyperfocused on gaining resources that I forget there are other goals in the game.
Life is a continuous balancing act. Without money we can’t have anything else (unless you live in a super socialist environment). Yet in some scenarios, all the money in the world cannot buy time or health. There is also no point in having money or time without health. Of course for some people, relationships are also important. It is difficult to have it all: money, health, time, relationships, and the self-awareness to manage them all in a healthy manner.
There was a time when I was immersed in playing stardew valley for two weeks. Playing that game taught me two things:
- I can play the game in any way I want. I don’t have to win anything or play towards the pre-set goals. I can quietly farm or fish if that’s all I want to do. For the entire game I also ignored the social aspect, which is representative of me in real life I guess.
- I was actually happier living in my own world playing that game versus trying to engage with people in reality. It made me realise how much stress comes from interacting with people for me.
Previously I contemplated going back to school to complete a degree. But it was one of those goals I have that I wasn’t clear whether I wanted to do it truly for myself or for some subconscious desire to prove myself. But prove myself for what?
Recently we acquired a couple of commercially made corsi-rosenthal boxes. They are collapsible and depending on their size they can be packed into a luggage or a boston bag. We plan to bring one with us on trips so that we can purify the air in the places we stay at. It occured to me that I am actually increasing my covid cautious precautions as time goes by when most people have relaxed theirs. We went from wearing cloth masks to now n95s. I have gone over 770+ days without getting reinfected, and I still have ptsd over my last infection. I know my body has never been the same again, even if I got healthier and fitter in other ways. I know I may eventually get reinfected because nothing is 100% unless I decide to not step out of my house forever. But I am still going to try my best to avoid it till then. I don’t want rupturing red blood cells to clog my blood vessels (twitter thread).
The realisation that we are actually being more cautious rather than less reminded me of what my partner mentioned about life is like playing a game, and people play according to what their conditions program them to. Because of what I’ve experienced, I prioritise health over anything else, including social ties. So I push every other lever in order to protect my health.
My partner and I, we are like playing our own little game our own way because we’ve both figured out what is the outcome we want in our lives. We both value our health tremendously, so it makes it easier to turn down other things or do potentially difficult things.
I think in life it is important to understand what is the game one wants to play and what conditions are needed to fulfil it. Without deeply questioning this, we may end up chasing things simply because everyone else is chasing them. Sometimes it is unfortunate but what we want as individuals may not be what our partner or what our family wants. We all have to decide what is it that would make living worthwhile and/or fulfilling.
I think my life reached a turning point when I belatedly realised what I need is not what most people can understand. It is just what it is. The world is just not set up for people to understand anything. I am still susceptible to loneliness and social pressure, but constantly reminding myself of my own priorities helps to keep me on track.
It sounds so obvious right? Figure out what is important, and stick to it. Yet there are so many people who don’t even realise what is truly important to them, or they cannot stick to what they want and need because they fear social repercussions.
I just wish I knew what was truly important earlier in my life, I could have saved so much time, energy and grief.