In 2011 in a desperate attempt to change my life I went on a trip to the US with only enough money to last me for a month there. I did not buy travel insurance. Back then the idea of buying travel insurance never popped up in my consciousness. I don’t think I had any idea of the (expensive) healthcare system in the US. I spent almost 3 months there, and in that period I tried to learn how to surf by myself, got wiped out by giant waves multiple times, got swept out precariously into sharp corals on the beach. I was stupidly confident in my ability to stay afloat if anything bad happens. Being a sheltered Singaporean I had zero awareness of the potential danger that exists in some parts of the US. It didn’t occur to me that anything bad would happen to be while I was there, or that I could need to access healthcare.
Too bad I don’t have kids, I’m missing out on the opportunity to tell these stories to my grandchildren.
Fast forward to the present. I am planning a trip to Chiang Mai, which is less than a 3 hour flight away. Packing becomes a multi-day affair as I fret about what to pack in order to feel safe there. How do I pack the 5-10 types of supplements I need to eat every day? I remind myself to bring my traditional chinese medicine. I think about the quality and number of masks I need to bring on the trip. Should I bring some rapid tests for covid? What about emergency supplements should I get infected there? Should I bring my laptop? Will it get stolen? Will my apartment get broken in when I am gone? Will a pipe burst? What if a fire breaks out? Which travel insurance should I buy? Do they cover covid and other infectious diseases? What if I needed to extend the trip? Will the plane suffer extreme turbulence due to climate change? Should I prepare my will?
I was once a person who would pack my luggage in 30 minutes the morning prior to a trip. I was free to work anywhere as an independent remote designer. I frequently went on trips without knowing how long they would last. I never bought travel insurance until these recent years. I went to some places off the beaten path without ever considering if they would be safe.
I miss my innocence. I was anxious about many things but I was not anxious about potential danger. Hence I was able to travel a lot (not that much compared to my friend Adrianna but more than the average) which opened up my mind and many doors for me. I would be much, much, much lesser as a person without that travelling. It was travel that taught me I didn’t need to be stuck, that limits that existed in Singapore were artificial and cultural, that the diversity of human beings were way, way wider than I can ever imagine, that it was possible to be happy in an extremely different way of life that I was conditioned to live.
My present self is horrified that I used to be so reckless and oblivious, yet I am thankful that my naivety allowed me to experience the world freely. The more I age the more I experience the world, the more I realise how much potential danger is lurking in every corner. Ageing is also causing my body to recover slower and slower from any stress, if it recovers at all. This makes me more aware of the precariousness of my health, like it can be lost anytime. Of course covid has further emphasised this feeling. The world is ageing too. Extreme turbulence is something I never had to worry about. How likely was it to catch something like bird flu or monkey pox previously? It is hard, but I have to accept that we are living on different terms now, and how much risk I am willing to endure if I still wish to experience what life can still offer.
Why travel at all if it gives me so much anxiety and stress? Singapore is a city-state that is about 50km wide with skyscrapers everywhere. This country is wonderful in many ways, but it can also be grating. There is no way to leave that stress and compression that comes with living in a city, Most people in other countries can go on road trips (hi if you’re in europe i envy you). I personally believe exposure to different environments is very important to both physical and mental health. It gives my mind and body a much needed break.
Yet I worry one day I’ll stop wanting to travel while I am still young and fit enough because it is just too overwhelming. I have always thought it would be some external circumstance that would stop me from travelling, not my self. I think I would shrink as a person. My life now is a perpetual battle: me continuously trying to overcome my fears in order to prevent my world and my self from shrinking.
I also don’t know when we’ll enter a second pandemic, have worse geopolitical tensions, or weather patterns too erratic to travel. I can’t help but feel like life now is the safest it will ever be as I can only foresee things getting worse in my lifetime. I don’t mind being wrong on this. I hope I am wrong. But I just don’t see how we can overcome our innate insecurities to properly shepherd this world again. It would probably take something extreme if it does happen, so either way it just doesn’t bode well. So I want to experience more of the world outside Singapore while we can.
I think I know too much about the world to feel free again, but I hope I can practice a zen mindset. Life is impermanent, even in the safety of on my own home.