It is part of the human instinct to seek a sense of belonging and acceptance. We are innately social creatures, no matter how introverted or shy we are in reality. I have tried to find somewhere to belong to my entire life, to prove that my existence was worth something to someone. I did eventually find various micro-communities to belong to, and that was the first step to making me believe that I can have a real stake in this world.
While that was enough for me to survive, it wasn’t enough for me to flourish. I desperately wanted people to see me, to understand me, to know my strengths and weaknesses so they would be able to help me to maximize my contributions as a human being.
I tried to look for the same thread of understanding from my peers. If I could make people understand my fundamental motivations, it would prove that I was not insane. It almost killed me, because whenever I tried to express an ambitious idea or demonstrate unbridled passion for a vision for the world — each time I see that look of confusion or judgment from people’s faces, a little piece of me would shatter into a thousand irrecoverable pieces, never to be fixed again.
Eventually I learned to shut up and shut down. I didn’t let anybody know me again. I didn’t even allow myself to know myself. Each time a provocative thought bubbled up in my mind, I would be the first to kill that thought. Some people spend copious amounts of time looking for radical ideas, I spend mine trying to kill all of them. I cannot bear another look or another raised eyebrow, because people seem to feel uncomfortable when I am nakedly honest and too serious with my feelings and thoughts.
That is the way our society functions. We are incredibly uncomfortable with honesty, vulnerability and change. We don’t like things that shake our firm foundations or challenge the status quo. Nor do we seem to pride people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Why build giant metal birds that fly in the air when ships have functioned well? Why be honest when dishonesty sustained your existence longer? Why wear your heart on your sleeves when people seem to like trampling all over it?
Poor Galileo. He tried telling the world was round and spent the rest of his life under house arrest until his death. We are not very kind to our change-makers. We persecute them, jail them, shame them when all they really wished for, was a better humanity.
I am obviously not Galileo. But I want to believe in and work towards a world that everyone of us has a moral responsibility to shape, to be ambitious enough to make quantum leaps so that we can leave behind a world that our next generations can be proud of. Quantum leaps, not just in terms of technology, but in terms of societal compassion and empowering every human being’s right to express himself or herself authentically and creatively.
Change is in my blood. It has always been. I am always looking to change something. Myself included. Yet I spend a lot of time trying to quell my own desire for change, because I have been battling a sense of low self-worth for as long as I can remember, ironically for being constantly put-down and criticized for my authentic expression.
Everyone, including myself, is limited by our own world view, and by seeking the validation and approval from other people I am essentially limiting myself to their limited world view. Maps cannot be drawn for places where no other human being has gone before. By depending solely on people to guide us to to places they have already been or places they want to be, we are essentially giving up our capacity to explore our own frontiers.
What makes the world beautiful is diversity — we should be empowering each other to expand our horizons instead of trying to shape someone else’s to our own. That also means we shouldn’t let anyone dictate how we should form, shape or limit ours. Evolution depends on biological diversity, not homogeneity.
Can you imagine what is going to happen to the human race if we all had the same thoughts and ideas?
I am no longer willing to live within the limits set by other people for me. Change is always going to be difficult and controversial. If I want to live a life thriving with change always pulsating in my blood, I can no longer be afraid to stick out like a sore thumb. I will need to develop a compassion towards people’s judgment, because it will always be hard to embrace and understand something that is unknown. It is my responsibility to make people understand why we should always be aiming for better, but I don’t need people to understand me. I am fundamentally wired not to covet life for its own sake, and it is impossible to make most people understand that, with the survival instinct so much part of being human.
I am not interested in survival, never was, and never will be. I am interested in thriving, in empowerment — not only for myself but for the world. I am not going to look back at my life and regret all those safe, conventional decisions I could have made. I am only going to regret not trying harder, not taking more risks, not pushing more boundaries, not living to my own expectations and potential, and letting imaginary limits dictate where I can truly venture.
What do I fear, since I am unafraid of death? I fear breaking the hearts of people who love me, but more so, I fear waking up one day and finding out I no longer have the privilege to create and to move; and then having this painful, horrible realization, that I didn’t do all these things I could have done, and experience so much more of what life has to offer — because I was paralyzed by my own fear and restricting myself based on the limits other people had designed for me.
Nobody but ourselves, can be the shepherd of our own vision for who we can truly be.
Originally published on Medium.