Human beings are very strange creatures. We often do not make decisions based on what we truly want and need, or what would generate positive outcomes for us. Instead most of us would spend a large part of our lives making decisions based on what other people want, and what society decides is the norm at that time. Then, probably because it is so tiring to live life this way, the rest of the time we give in to our impulses as a form of compensation. Since we’ve already given up so much of our selves, we should just eat that thing, buy that thing, do whatever that gives us instant gratification because we deserve that quick dopamine hit after having to tolerate so much. There is also not much mental or emotional capacity left to consider the wellbeing of other people when we can barely cope, and consider the wellbeing of our selves.
It is a saddening phenomenon because what most of us want is simply to be loved and seen. The moment we have any form of consciousness, we are conditioned to believe we have to make others happy in order to be loved, seen, and accepted. So we have to perform our tasks correctly, put on our best behaviour despite our emotional needs, go to that school, pass that exam, get that job, work super hard in every area of our lives because that is what society values and expect of us. Without doing all the “correct” things, we are likely to be ostracised.
Some time in midlife, we go into existential crises because despite checking all the correct boxes we are still deeply unhappy. The love and recognition that comes from leading an almost perfect life feels like a house of cards. Take a wrong step and it comes crumbling down. Plenty of times it is not even up to us. We could lose our jobs because of the macro environment, lose our marriage because of a terrible spouse, get determined that we are stupid because of how society defines intelligence, get left behind because we got chronically sick.
Because this is how we are conditioned to see value: we are only valuable if we do x,y and z – this is also howe we value other people and our selves. It perpetuates an insidious suffering because very few people are truly loved or seen. We are not loved for who we are but the roles we play and the actions we make. Obedience is seen as a great virtue. Wanting to live in a way that we want is seen as selfish. When other people get to live in an unconventional way they want we ostracise them for it. If I didn’t get to do this, you can’t do it too. If I suffered, you should suffer too. Sometimes weird shit happens even if we do societally-valued things. For example, if we start caring about our health by eating better or exercising more, suddenly we start getting comments about how we are too health-conscious and should loosen up more.
If we spend a few moments thinking about this, it is shocking how little space we have to be our selves. Who exactly are our selves anyway? We may not know because we did not have the time, space or permission to unfold. We spend so much time and energy chasing the goals we think we want, without contemplating why we wanted them in the first place.
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life – Mary Oliver wrote askingly in a poem. There is so much intrigue and potential in one’s self, so many pathways we can possibly take. Is it worth pursuing the superficial acceptance society offers, the kind of acceptance that would crumble once we find ourselves in unfavourable circumstances? Is it worth staying in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship because we want to be taken, because we want to belong, even if it means shrinking our selves even further? Is it worth not taking up that new hobby because society tells us we are too old to learn new things? Is it worth losing our health because it is too embarrassing to be the only person wearing a mask?
We are essentially alone in this existential journey. People can love, care and understand us, but nobody can know exactly how we feel or how much we struggle. Nobody can truly understand the psychological burden we carry, no one can feel the extent of the suffering we feel when we betray our selves time and time again. To a large extent we have to face our unhappiness and lack of fulfilment alone. At the end on our deathbeds, only we our selves have to bear the answers that come from asking what did we do with our one wild and precious life.
Maybe there are people who gain fulfilment from being in service to others, maybe others prefer an intense, reckless, short-lived life, maybe there are some who would like a life of peace even if that means they have to give up their own desires. But we can’t know until we take the journey to find out.
There are people who take intentional steps towards the potentially painful journey of understanding themselves and attempting to pursue a life they want, and then there are people who spend most of their lives trying to disassociate from reality. There is the elephant in the room in this discussion, because privilege in various forms are involved. There is the economic privilege of being financially stable, and there there is the psychological privilege of possessing a psyche that doesn’t fuck you up to much – among others, that makes the difference whether a person can attempt to lead a self-determined life or not (let’s not even go to people who live in unstable countries).
Privilege aside, what makes someone embark on a journey towards leading a more self-determined life? I think it is a very deep form of self-love, where we begin to truly cherish our selves. We no longer see our selves as a statistic or a cog in the system, rather we begin to see the multitudes and complexities we can possess, and from that complex nature we sense an infinite array of creative possibilities. We may start to understand the responsibility of being a part of the system, that we can choose to perpetuate creativity instead of conformity, that there are unseen butterfly effects an individual can trigger. Change the quality of our selves, we change the quality of the interactions around us, who knows what may cascade? There is a deepening curiousity to who we can become, the inner richness we can cultivate, and what kind of outcomes that it can generate.
All of that is only possible when we begin the understand what it means to be a human being, and the potential that comes with inhabiting a human body and brain. We are canvases that can be infinitely painted upon till the day we die, and glimpses of this canvas can be seen as we create and interact with the world.
When I think about this, it blows my mind, despite my ongoing ambivalence with my own existence. All I need is to read something and my brain changes immediately. When I publish this post the neurons of the readers – however few – will fire. Isn’t that fascinating? If I want to change myself tomorrow, I can simply pick up something new to learn. If I want to change how I think about myself, I can do something I won’t expect myself to do.
Of course, easier said than done. There is a spiritual reservoir that needs to be cultivated in order to have the spirit necessary to drive ourselves in a different direction. But the possibilities are there for many of us. Some of us can feel we are right on that cusp, but we are paralysed by fear. So much of the time, this fear is driven by social pressure.
It makes me upset when people are trapped by societal confines, not knowing that once they get over their psychological barriers, they are capable of so much more. Or to see people being callous with their health, not knowing how precious our brains and bodies are. Maybe to some these are two different subjects, but to me it is one of the same: do we cherish our selves?
I propose that most of us do not cherish our selves because we are conditioned by society not to, we don’t understand the inherent creative possibilities of a human being. I would go to the extent of writing that many people don’t fully grasp the sanctity of a human life.
In my humble opinion, this has disastrous consequences: because we do not cherish our selves, we don’t really cherish other people – else we would stop squashing people’s individual dreams and identities and making them conform to a very specific mould – we don’t cherish human beings as a species, hence we don’t cherish this world. How do we grow respect for this fascinating world when we can barely tolerate looking at our selves?