I haven’t been well since my birth day. The very next day I woke up with elevated heart rate again – I am more aware of this because I use a bunch of health monitoring tools. Without them I may not know I am in bad shape, and would probably unknowingly put my body under more stress. Sometimes I find myself thinking about all the “knowledge” I’ve gained because of my chronic illness and sars-cov-2. It is not knowledge I’ve sought out of intense curiousity or desire to learn, but rather out of necessity. I now know more about nutrients, mitochondria, exercise science, electrolytes, ventilation, neurodivergence, viruses, immunity, ventilation, etc – more than the average person, and arguably more than the average doctor. Is this a good thing? I don’t know, except that I cannot really choose who I become. So much of it is dictated by the whims of my body.
It is worse now that I am also ageing. Of course everyone is ageing, but I am also undergoing the early phases of the dreaded perimenopause. So when episodes occur now I have no idea which part of it belongs to my original illness, post-covid effects, or perimenopause. Probably all of the above. I probably wish to write something smart on this blog, but these days my life is very much coloured by my mind and body. Still, I remain faithful to my commitment to document the thoughts that plague the forefront of my mind. We think so little of our experiences because they seem so mundane, but we’re like rovers exploring life with different configurations and equipment. No two people can be the same, or even remotely similar if we truly dial it down to the most intimate of their thoughts, interpretations and preferences. This is extremely interesting and intriguing to me. Is it for you?
Every time nowadays I see a person wearing a mask I would really like to ask them why. In fact if not for my social awkwardness and fear of conflict I would approach them to do a humans of new york style interview portrait series of them and their masks, with a story of why they are still masking. I mask myself because of all the research I’ve read, but most people are just going by government advisories. Most governments are like YOLO because the virus is “mild”. So it becomes intriguing to me when I see people masking – why are they resisting that annoying discomfort and alluring social pressure? What makes them different?
It is weird how I think it is weird that some people actually care about their health. I guess it says something about the world nowadays.
I feel a lot less depressed since travelling to Hong Kong despite being mildly physically unwell due to some form of dysautonomia (thanks covid). It has been 8 years since I was last here. Like Japan I wanted to know how my relationship with this location has changed, because I have changed so much.
I have many thoughts and feelings about Hong Kong, which I would probably write in another post. But one thing I know for sure: I need travel to survive. Travel is not just a fun or pleasurable thing for me. It is sustenance. It provokes me and keeps me awake. It is my umbilical cord to life. I know it sounds frivolous, like how dare I say something like this. But I am sure throughout history there were others like me, people who wanted and needed to know the world as a whole. Because it develops us as a whole too, to get to know the different parts of our selves that slowly awaken every time we venture to somewhere previously unknown.
I am struggling to navigate this realisation with my covid cautiousness, because travelling is always riskier than just holing myself up at home. In Singapore we can’t do road trips or local travel, since a marathon runner can basically run across her in an afternoon.
Do I really have to choose my soul over my body? I can only hope our current covid travelling protocol is good enough.
I guess I am writing 3 different posts in one. I used to be uncomfortable with this, but now as part of my ageing goals I would just really like to be my messy self.