i may be smiling in this photo but i had barely slept with unexplained elevated heart rate in the middle of the night (thanks to covid 1.5 years ago still affecting me in unseen ways) – she was inevitably awakened by my insomnia. i kept apologising, and she kept trying to soothe me back to sleep, for many sleepless hours. she is someone who loves and needs her sleep, yet throughout the past 101 months there were countless times i have had similar episodes and she has never once complained, lost her patience or got annoyed at me. instead i have received nothing but love, care and affection during these trying times. it is not so much the fun we have that makes me grasp the quality of this love in my heart, but rather all those times we’ve supported each other through illness and darkness. so much of my life is filled with experiences of recovery and grief, making me a person filled with fatigue and sadness. it is not something i choose, but simply who i am. how can a person like me who spends half her lifetime drowning, be loved? yet there she was, and here she is. therefore she makes me want to keep on trying, because it would utterly break my heart to break hers.