notes/

small meaningful things

But I think compared to a couple of years ago, I am 10% happier. I’m still depressed and have migraines, and my energy levels are mostly fucked, but there’s a noticeable 10% improvement overall. 

Also, there’s a certain joy that comes from seeing reality as it is, versus the delusional joy that sustained me in SF.

Sometimes I don’t think of writing because it’s so mundane, but I do think every day is worth noting, because my thoughts change every single day. My being, I am a different person. Like the person who felt so much pain felt so far away today.

My stability is precious, and I know, and these days I keep thinking about the glass is already broken, and that is sort of what that keeps me cherishing every mundane day I have. I love mundane days because they represent peace, peace that is so foreign to me.

I feel like achieving new values / ways of life is like the five stages of grief. First there is denial: the denial of any need to change, then there is anger: the frustration of having to change coupled with the frustration of where old ways are inducing suffering; then there is bargaining: maybe I don’t have to change so much, just a little, or maybe my old way of life is acceptable; then there is depression: where everything falls and there is a true realisation that we cannot go back to how we used to live; and finally there is acceptance: what was so disturbing and uncomfortable becomes the new norm. Maybe in between there’s a stage where we are self-conscious and uncomfortable in adopting this new way of life.

  • Step 1: Notice something is unhealthy
  • Step 2: Find the source of that unhealthy anxiety
  • Step 3: develop a compassion and nurturing for that hurt child
  • Step 4: struggle as the hurt child will mourn the hurt and grief, all the pain hidden and felt, all the non-acknowledgment, all the unfairness, all that wasted time
  • Step 5: grow the force that will unconditionally love the child
  • Step 6: the child’s hurt is tended to and finally acknowledged. The child is set free
  • Step 7: We’re no longer haunted and subjected by the child’s desperate pain and need for attention
  • Step 8: We become who we are supposed to be, without the weight of what had always weighed us down

just now while reading I had a sudden realisation hit me (or may re-realisation I dunno) — that it is liberating to know I’m still so bad at being human, that I’m absolutely learning how to walk, that I know I’m right at the beginning, that this journey is so new — I’m almost excited at the potential ahead because I know I’m just starting.

zen garden in kissamaster

there’s something about kyoto that makes me want to stay in it for a long while. It is not just aesthetic, but the understanding that it is essential and beautiful to incorporate…

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