notes/

small meaningful things

2018

2021 / 2020 / 2019 / 2018 / 2017 / 2016 / 2015 / 2014 /
mundane days

But I think compared to a couple of years ago, I am 10% happier. I’m still depressed and have migraines, and my energy levels are mostly fucked, but there’s a noticeable 10% improvement overall. 

Also, there’s a certain joy that comes from seeing reality as it is, versus the delusional joy that sustained me in SF.

Sometimes I don’t think of writing because it’s so mundane, but I do think every day is worth noting, because my thoughts change every single day. My being, I am a different person. Like the person who felt so much pain felt so far away today.

My stability is precious, and I know, and these days I keep thinking about the glass is already broken, and that is sort of what that keeps me cherishing every mundane day I have. I love mundane days because they represent peace, peace that is so foreign to me.

five stages of personal transformation

I feel like achieving new values / ways of life is like the five stages of grief. First there is denial: the denial of any need to change, then there is anger: the frustration of having to change coupled with the frustration of where old ways are inducing suffering; then there is bargaining: maybe I don’t have to change so much, just a little, or maybe my old way of life is acceptable; then there is depression: where everything falls and there is a true realisation that we cannot go back to how we used to live; and finally there is acceptance: what was so disturbing and uncomfortable becomes the new norm. Maybe in between there’s a stage where we are self-conscious and uncomfortable in adopting this new way of life.

  • Step 1: Notice something is unhealthy
  • Step 2: Find the source of that unhealthy anxiety
  • Step 3: develop a compassion and nurturing for that hurt child
  • Step 4: struggle as the hurt child will mourn the hurt and grief, all the pain hidden and felt, all the non-acknowledgment, all the unfairness, all that wasted time
  • Step 5: grow the force that will unconditionally love the child
  • Step 6: the child’s hurt is tended to and finally acknowledged. The child is set free
  • Step 7: We’re no longer haunted and subjected by the child’s desperate pain and need for attention
  • Step 8: We become who we are supposed to be, without the weight of what had always weighed us down
zen garden in kissamaster

there’s something about kyoto that makes me want to stay in it for a long while. It is not just aesthetic, but the understanding that it is essential and beautiful to incorporate…

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