small meaningful things

66 months

originally published on instagram illustration by @launshae titled "whole"

she drew me this as a surprise gift for our anniversary today. she said there was a hole in her life before I came along, and now she’s whole. also she’s always floating upwards while I’m always weighed down, but somehow when attached we’re at the equilibrium that makes this relationship whole. strange isn’t it? it seemed like we were operating at such contrasting frequencies that it felt impossible we could actually communicate with each other or see each other within the same level, but somehow it works? I’ve always felt like I was unlovable and unlikeable, that I would never be accepted or loved for who I truly am, but here she is at 66 months still wrapping her love around me like I’m her present. how can someone be so delighted with all the qualities people tend to reject in me? it is still a mystery to me. and for me, it has been such a revelation to know that I am able to love and tend to a person despite my limited emotional capacity. commitment had felt like a huge responsibility (and perhaps burden), but with her I didn’t need to ask myself if I could be committed, but rather I couldn’t even imagine preferring a different state of the world. may we continue to be in a relationship that is not bound by a decisive commitment but an enduring, enlivening, love.