small meaningful things

54 months

originally published on instagram 54 months

it is that time of the month again! the last month hasn’t been easy for us as we both individually struggled with different issues. but it is through such struggles we get to experience each other’s familiarity, understanding, accommodation, tenderness, and compassion. good times are fun and easy, difficult times are trying and one of the more difficult things is that you’d feel sorry for putting your partner through your own difficulties and yet we must be willing to embrace the vulnerability in order to learn to trust and rely upon. life is often paradoxical — I’ve learned that it is the process of learning to trust that will open up a previously unknown depth and dimension for both the relationship and our individual personalities. when we shut ourselves up in order to protect ourselves there is a hardening that makes us unable to experience life and love fully…and it is through a gradual breakage of the shell we’ve grown that roots will emerge and ground us deeper into life. as I grow older I now realise how dysregulated and stunted my emotions were, how much of life I was missing out because I was held prisoner in the narrow spectrum of emotions I had. but because of her, because of wanting to love her, wanting to be capable of holding us in a sacred manner, I feel like I had to expand myself emotionally, psychologically and spiritually…she embodies the safe space where I’m allowed to explore and be who I truly am, and through her steadfast love I am finally learning it is a beautiful thing to be who I am. I held and still hold a lot of self-hatred, but now I feel an empty space is growing alongside those negative feelings, an empty space I can slowly fill with other thoughts and sentiments. each month this date I’m always thankful, but the word thankful is really not enough to encompass who she is to me. I’m so glad this 54th month we’re both able to spend this day so richly and meaningfully, especially after a spate of bad health for me, so I don’t take our play dates for granted. just because there was always one doesn’t mean there will be a next, especially in these times.

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