journal/

on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

Sentiment

Sometimes I think about the trajectory of my life for the past few years, and I end up feeling this mixed bag of confusion, gratitude, sentiment, wistfulness, urgency. These are just some words for the feelings that I can describe, and then there is this whole other spectrum of feelings I don’t have words for.

I have since learned there are a lot in life that is out of my control, because apparently I evolve my identity so much that things that were once important to me are no longer such. I spent quite a bit of time the past week thinking of the paradox between how sentimental and ruthless I can be at the same time.

Sentiment is a huge part of me. Till today I still feel wistful about certain people and situations I have chosen to leave behind. Some part of me wishes that there can be an alternate universe where I stayed and would be happy. But in this universe my desire to maximize the life I had been given is larger than my sentiment, so I can only let go by breaking parts of me, in order to become the person I hope to be.

Sometimes I think I have gone overboard. There are parts of me that died along the way. I can no longer feel in specific ways anymore, and as someone who prides on her emotions, that is a very scary thought. But I wonder how much of it is dead and numb to the world, how much of it is me being unable to recognize that I have simply moved on and grown stronger? I worry when I no longer react as much to situations I used to be a crying mess about.

I am not sure whether is it resilience or apathy.

One thought on “Sentiment”

  1. Visakan @ ReferralCandy says:

    You are still you no matter what. It’s okay to react less to situations that you’re now more acclimatized to, it allows you to focus on what is ahead.

    If it were truly apathy, you wouldn’t be writing this. <3

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