on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

searching inward

It seems like a permanent condition, that no matter how much joy or fulfilment I feel, that I’ll inevitably slip into periods where I am just keenly aware of my shadow following me. When I was younger and didn’t know better, I would spiral deeper out because I would try to escape the darkness, having been conditioned to think it is bad for me.

These days, with by a ton of research and philosophy, I have learned that times like this are a signal for me to start retreating inwards so I can have the space to introspect and realign myself.

There is this persistent awareness that has been slowly growing in strength recently, that the more I wish to embrace my inner-artist, the more disconnect I will feel with the rest of the world. There is a certain resilience I have been trying to build, that I will have the courage to follow my intuition to do the work I am guided to do, no matter how much noise I have to be exposed to.

But sometimes, I am not sure if I am building resilience, or simply erecting walls.

Part of building this resilience is to architect an inner world so rich, so strengthening that I wouldn’t really need to surface into an external world. Unlike design, which requires a lot of external feedback and validation, art requires us to go more inward to seek the answers.

That sort of inward journey can feel so rewarding, to know there’s always more to explore, more to uncover, deeper to dive into. There is a risk of getting lost, and perhaps if I am not careful, I will stumble into an unhealthy darkness, the darkness that has always been there waiting for me for my entire life.

I feel like I am leaving my entire world behind, or I’ve already left the world I know behind, in order to step into a new one. I am not very sure if I am ever going to emerge out of it, if stepping into this new void will be akin to a bare garden that will grow flowers and trees eventually, or more like a blackhole I will not find a way out of.

I guess part of pursuing art is the acceptance that there will be some answers we’ll never be able to find, and that sentiment will hopefully be captured somewhere in our work, invoking questions in the soul of those who may come before it.

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