on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

happiness and drive II

A while ago I wrote about the relationship between happiness and drive and since then a lot has happened so I thought I could write my thoughts-in-progress on it.

For a long time I don’t think I like admitting that I am happy – partially afraid I’ll jinx myself, partially judging myself for it. As mentioned in my previous post, there is a subconscious conditioning that happiness reduces one’s drive.

Recently I’ve been telling people around me that I have never been happier (well the fine print is my memory could be massively flawed). I became unafraid to tell people that I am happy. I think it is important to acknowledge happiness, even if I believe it is a temporary state. It is the awareness of that it could exist in me, that I could possibly identify as a happy person. The previous version of me would have resisted that so much because it would mean a breakdown of my identity (not that I truly believe I have one but old habits die hard) as a perpetually melancholic person, but now I recognise that happiness and other emotional states do not exist on a single spectrum but they manifest as layers.

The true implication of that is that it colours my entire worldview – I think we see what we are, so it influences whether I see the positive nuances in a hopelessly negative situation, or I am trying to pick a bone even with the most positive of events.

My tolerance and generosity towards the entire world has expanded exponentially, much less to say my immediate social circles. I am now almost always smiling, and that changes the dynamics of my interactions with people. I feel like I want to share the generosity I have been given, with everybody I interact with.

So did it influence my drive? My answer for now, and I reserve the right to change it, is that it has changed the dynamics of my drive. Previously it came from a place of scarcity – I saw lack in myself and the world, and hence I wanted to fix problems.

Now it comes from a place of generosity. I still see lack and problems, I am not ignoring the spate of recent events, but what has changed is the increased capacity to acknowledge the spirit, generosity and progress that we have had; to work to increase and strengthen these elements, instead of just hyper-focusing on the negative with a position of enmity.

My drive feels a lot more sustainable, instead of brute-forcing or guilt-tripping myself into doing something because a desperate sense of urgency or the pervasive feeling I am not enough until I do something.

I am no longer upset with anything inconsequential, I am not interested in engaging with meaningless power battles, I am so much more present with the world and with people around me.

I feel that I have so much more to offer. I don’t think it is because I am happier per se, but rather it is an added dimension that has increased my range of thought and perception, and that makes all the difference to what I am capable of gifting.

Still mulling upon this, and perhaps there will be a part III.

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