journal/

on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

dark ages

We have been voluntarily locking ourselves down for about a week now, as local cases have been increasing in the last couple of weeks. The numbers are probably a lot better than the official lockdown last year, but it feels riskier to me with the newer more contagious variants. If doctors and nurses can get infected while wearing masks in an open-air ward while vaccinated, I personally don’t want to take any chances.

It seems ultra paranoid, and as far as I know people are still going on with their normal life and gatherings as long as it is within the latest government restrictions. But I think my addiction to the internet means I read a lot more scientific studies and news – I really don’t want to live with the virus hidden in my body for the rest of my life, as they are discovering with long-haul Covid (they are suspecting it may be like the herpes virus).

Vaccination was our hope, but it seemed to not safeguard against infections, though for now those who are vaccinated are spared from intensive care or oxygen therapy. I am sure I am not the only one feeling this subconscious psychological exhaustion as the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting snuffed out.

Is this the end of the world as we know it? I am sure we will survive and even thrive possibly, but I am not sure if the world would ever return to where it was where a cheap plane ticket was just a few clicks away and having a hundred people squeezed into a room was not seen as a health hazard. The inability of humans to organise ourselves is quite disturbing as we go into repeated waves of infection.

I find this self-imposed lockdown more difficult than the official one last year. Back in 2019 we travelled and did a lot, so spending a few months at home in 2020 was an opportunity to introspect and spend some time developing an inner life. But introspecting and inner-living was all that I did the last year or so. My theory is that there’s always a coping reservoir, and mine seems to be drying up.

I feel like most people are trying to go on their lives as normal even if many parts of the external world are imploding. I wonder if we’re on the cusp of a new long dark age and yet we’re trying to believe it’ll all end soon. Covid is just the cherry on top of all the other ongoing issues we are facing.

I will probably try to take this opportunity to go deeper into myself again, though I am not sure if that is something I truly wish to do or rather I don’t seem to have a choice. It is not like being in despair is going to make anything better. Maybe there is a reason why denial exists as a coping mechanism.

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