on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

changing variables

I have my Chrome programmed to display a set of statements every time I open a new tab:

  • be alive
  • play & unfold
  • life is not linear
  • trust the universe
  • let go of the old world
  • confluence
  • variables will change
  • we cannot be truly free untill everyone is free
  • creation is a privilege

I originally wrote them in a google doc which I created to serve as my life’s playbook. I realised in times of decision-making or crisis, the anxiety incurred often makes me forget what is truly important to me. I tend to sweat the small stuff, only to discover on hindsight that they didn’t matter. I lifted these into Chrome’s new tab operation because I wanted them to be etched deeply into my subconscious, and I don’t remember to read that google doc very often (I do have a calendar reminder once a month).

Something happened in the past week that has shifted my life considerably. It turns out that some of my anxiety for a long time was again, for nothing. I wouldn’t have known of course, but my behaviour demonstrates a lack of trust whether in the universe or myself. Even if I didn’t believe in hippie talk, I should have trusted myself to cross necessary bridges when the time comes.

I guess it is difficult to ask of someone to trust herself when there is an entire lifetime of self-abuse.

Variables will change, I had written as a reminder for myself. It is difficult to remember this, and I tend to project my future based on my current variables. Life looks dark and depressing when variables are not in our favour. Variables however, can change in an instant, be it for better or for worse. And sometimes things may not turn out to be what it seems. I have gathered that the best way to live is to simply let go as much as possible, and develop the capacity to live the experience, whatever may come.

I have been feeling quite disconnected with the external world lately. Maybe I have always been, because I am often caught in between edges of different worlds. Perhaps I’ve traditionally made more effort to be connected and these days I’ve just been more nonchalant. I feel bad about it sometimes, but I remind myself I am just taking time off to do inner work. Time has given me the luxury of learning how much my life and decisions were defined by pain, anger and the inability to believe in my agency. I want to enable myself to live more freely and consciously.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung

I think to go so deep within oneself can often be isolating, but I don’t think I can bear the alternative. Maybe it is just hard to seek aliveness in a world that constantly seeks numbness. I often feel like I either have to choose to be numb so I can fit in more, or to pursue truth and feel alone. I guess it all depends on our own definition of what it means to be alive.

Freedom can sometimes feel paralysing, if we don’t know what to do with it. With constraints and limitations, we can only have a limited array of solutions, and there is always something to blame.

Freedom, can be a huge weight to bear – imagine looking at a thousand doors opening and being afraid of choosing the wrong door. When we have only shitty doors to choose from, there isn’t much blame to be assigned. We can truly say, we have done our best despite the circumstances. But when the circumstances are in our favour and we don’t maximise them, that is when the self needs to be able to sustain the weight.

I still think the best way to change the world is to change ourselves, or I am just setting the wrong variables in motion.

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