on-going mostly unedited stream of thoughts

at the beginning

It has been two years since I moved back from San Francisco. Every now and then I am surprised that I don’t really miss the city I had loved so much. I try to search the depths of my mind and memories to understand how I could leave it all behind without much sentiment, but till today I don’t think I know the answer.

Maybe I had over-idealised SF like how we idealise a person when we first fall in love. Maybe like a magic potion the effect wore off with time. Maybe I learned that my demons are with me wherever I go. Maybe I finally wanted to be whole, and running away from my wounds are akin to rejecting the very essence of who I am. Maybe I was just wanted to be in a place where I can breathe without earning the salary of a tech worker. Maybe the concept of family has been somewhat foreign to me but has become important to me.

There are many maybes but perhaps they don’t really matter. I am more at peace at where I am now. It is not so much the geographical location but a symbolic place in my mind. I am no longer at odds with myself that much. Self-acceptance is a long journey for me, and I think I have only begun.

I have given up a lot, but I have a lot of immeasurable gains in return. Gains that will be with me regardless of changes in careers or location. Is it worth it? I think it depends on what is your answer to why life is worth living. I wanted to know who I am without the very things that gave me a sense of safety–they are also the very same things that threatened that safety. I think the courage of being able to leave my safety net behind so I can explore the boundaries of the unknown will stay on permanently with me.

I am in a much better place in terms of health, and not a single day goes by without me thanking the heavens for my luck and privilege to be able to recuperate on my own terms. I think about how most of us are in survival mode in this society, and how much of our health and selves we have to give in return for that survival. If not for the love of my loved ones I am not sure if I want to be alive.

“I’m dying of surviving.” – Sense8

These two years I have learned a lot about myself, I have also grown a lot, and there was a lot of unconditioning I had to do. It feels like a long time, but I feel like I am only at the beginning.

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