mostly edited, structured pieces of writing (in the process of migrating from Medium)

Experimenting with my life

a living experiment to see what is the outcome of living a life that is as closely aligned to my philosophy, beliefs and values as possible

I am taking a year off to experiment with my life. I am attempting to be a living experiment to see what is the outcome of living a life that is as closely aligned to my philosophy, beliefs and values as possible. I want to:

  • learn to love, trust and be present, with people and myself
  • push my own boundaries of vulnerability, honesty and courage
  • work on any idea that has been incubating in my head, and share them, even if they suck
  • give myself space to face my deepest wounds and heal
  • stop measuring myself
  • be an example of the human being I want to be

I have to stop burning myself out or keep on living an existence where I measure myself according to everyone else’s standards except my own. I no longer wish to have an identity bestowed by society, without external definitions, who am I, really? If I could consciously redesign myself without all that societal conditioning and preconceived notions of how I should live, who will I be? I want to have the courage to let go of everything that I have accumulated to prove my identity in order to actually have one.

I decided to invest whatever (hence a year of runway) I have to give myself the time and space to just become me. I think this is the single best financial investment I could possibly make for myself right now. My hypothesis that this will pay off for the rest of my life to come, and will lay the foundation to my life’s work. I can only give my best, if I am at my best. I can only be at my best, if I actually start to love who I see in the mirror.

This is not as fun as it sounds. After living an entire existence based on markers made by society, suddenly it feels like I have nothing to define me. It is extremely insecure and anxiety-inducing. Yet it is something I must try, even if I fail. I may not have the confluence of factors in my favor right now, the longer I wait. Aging has a way of increasing the weight we have to bear.

I will document this process and the things I make publicly, and will be grateful if any of you out there can witness my journey. At the very least, I am bearing witness to my own act of generosity and compassion for myself.

Why do we give our products the room for experimentation, invest so much capital, time and energy on them, but we are so unwilling to do so for ourselves and for other people?

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

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